The Aristocrats

[Jason Roth]

This is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. The audience was laughing out loud virtually the entire time. Yes it's disgusting and goes on a little long, but it's great to see the differences in each telling of the same joke, all by well established comedians.

Highly recommended.

[b.miller]

It opens here toward the end of the month. They're having a contest where the best rendition of the joke scores you a year's worth of free movies from the three coolest theaters in town.


anyone care to give me some help?

(and also, especially since i've only heard about the joke and never a version of the joke itself, can you give us the basic structure, Jason?

[Jason Roth]

A family walks into a talent agents office and says that they have a great new act. The agent asks them for a demonstration. The family goes on to perform the most disgusting, lewd, sexual, perverted acts with each other (the more disgusting the better - see the movie, you'll understand).

The agent says, "oh my god, what do you call an act like that?"

The Aristocrats!

[b.miller]

ok so i need to win this contest... anyone have any help for me?

[Jason Roth]

The whole point is to include as many of the most disgusting acts possible. I'm talking scatology, incest, bestiality, anything else you can think of, and then draw it out for as long as possible.

[b.miller]

ok well if no one has their own at least let me throw a few ideas of mine out there and get some feedback.


warning: this is naughty. the easily-offended should not read. so don't kick or ban me or whatever...


=-=-=-=-=
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, baby daughter, and a dog. The father says to the agent, "We have a really great act. It's so great that you will definitely want to sign us once we show it to you."

The agent says "Yeah? I don't usually go for family acts. they tend to suck."

The father then says "Not us, man. Just let us show it to you once and then if you can tell me, to my face, that it isn't an act you will remember forever, then we'll leave you alone forever."

So the agent sits back in his chair and says "ok, go for it."



Immediately the father takes his beautiful baby daughter up into his arms and shows her to the agent. There she is, wrapped in a blanket and sucking on a milk bottle with wild abandon.

The father says to the agent "I will now try to throw this baby into your arms," and promptly drops his trousers, revealing a large club-like penis hanging between his legs. With one hand he starts stroking himself while in the other he hands the baby to the mother and starts to pull the milk bottle away from her. Well, the little tike isn't quite done with that milk so she tugs back and pretty soon they are in a little tug of war, the baby with her milk bottle and the father with his cock. Before too long, the father manages to get the bottle away from the baby, who immediately starts crying. Quickly, he scoops the baby from the mother's arms and brings her down between his legs, where the baby quickly grabs ahold of his now-hard dick and sticks the head right in her mouth.

Well, no sooner than she gets her hungry little mouth on this big sucker, the father starts whooping and hollering. He holds the baby's body while her little head sucks onto his and starts twirling around in a circle. Pretty soon he's going so fast around and around that he lets go of the darling baby, who's still sucking herself attached to her daddy. Faster and faster, the father spins and spins until finally the baby's gummy grip on that rock-hard rod slips and the baby goes flying! Alas, the father's aim was untrue so the baby flings through the air and slaps against the wall, falling down onto the couch.

Well, the mother sees all this and says "I can surely get that baby into your arms, Mr. Agent. Just watch this!" She reaches into her purse and pulls out a little bottle of some sort and starts chugging it down. After that, she does a quick set of jumping jacks then asks her son to pick up his baby sister and bring her over. Next, she slides off her pants revealing a healthy 70s-style bush and gets down on all fours.

She looks at the baby and says "Baby wanna poopy ride? Baby wanna poopy ride?" and the baby, still dazed from all the spinning and flying into the wall, laughs.

With a quick thust of a hand and a slight turn, the mother shoves the baby's head up her ass, where she immediately has to clench to keep it from sliding out. The baby's arms and legs flail wildly while the mother appears to concentrate, closing her eyes and bending her back up and down. Pretty soon, her baby still pushing at the cheeks of her ass and trying to kick that enormous bush to no avail, the mother asks the father to kick her in the stomach.

"That's against the rules, hon," he says

"Just kick me in the fucking stomach!" she yells.

The father says "fine" and gives a hearty lunging kick right to her gut. Immediately, the baby's head pops out, all brown and runny, and the little tike goes flying followed closely by a stream of liquid brown shit. Unfortunately for the mother, her ass-aim was off even worse than the father's and the baby ends up head-first in the waste-paper basket surrounded by dhiaretic splash-damage

Next up is the son, who pulls the baby out of the basket and finds a few push-pins stuck into her little baby arm and little brown-smudged baby forehead.

"Get ready to catch!" the son tells to the agent as he picks the baby up as if to drop-kick it across the room, but the pungent harsh aroma of his mother's greasy liquid crap catches his nose and he projectile vomits instead. A large stream of solid green gak rushes out of the boys mouth all over his shirt and the baby in his hands. The baby squirms and, what with all the shit and puke covering it, slips out of the son's hands and falls splat on his face to the floor.

Just then, the dog bounds on top of it, growling and yelping like it's caught a frisbee. The baby disappears under the dog's fur as it pounces on top and huddles down overtop the baby. The entire family look down as the dog starts pumping its hind legs in and out. Looking closely, they can see two little baby legs jerking underneath the dog's wagging tail every time he pounds down onto the floor. The dog's panting now, looking around the room with its tongue lolled out to the side. The humping gets faster and faster. louder and louder until the dog rears back suddenly and howls to the moon. The baby underneath looks bigger somehow, bloated. It's green and brown covered skin shakes as the dig cock stuck in between her legs pulsates and grows. The dog's eyes glaze over in that distinct pleasure that only comes from fucking a baby.

The baby tries to crawl away but it's stuck on the swollen knot of dog pumped up inside her. So instead she just slides on the fowl pool of shit and upchuck surrounding her, her little tummy getting bloating out bigger and bigger. It's then that everyone starts to hear a high-pitched whine, like when you slowly let air out of a baloon. Everybody looks down and sees the dog's fading member slowly starting to slide out. And then, with a POP and a BANG, the baby flies up in the air like a cum-powered superman, flying up up and away driven by a jetstream of load squirting out of her. She does a few flips, sending gobs of doggy seed every which way, into the mother's hair, the father's mustache, the son's vomit-stained shirt, all over the agen't desk, the walls, even the ceiling gets a taste. The baby spurts out and catches up with gravity, falling straight into the agent's arms.



The agent sits there in his chair for a minute, speechless. Finally, he says "Well, you are right. That is definitely an act I will remember forever. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats"

-=-=-=-=-=-

thoughts? don't blame me if you're crying or scarred for life. i warned you up above.

[grady]

Originally Posted by b.miller

thoughts? don't blame me if you're crying or scarred for life. i warned you up above.

You did warn us and I still found myself laughing. The only thing I was going to suggest was some grotesque Palahniuk type sickness. Much in the vein of 'Guts'.(no pun intended) But something involving some horrific mishap involving masturbation.

When is the deadline to submit the jokes? I would say modify it a bit, and then go for it.

[b.miller]

i have till the 26th (of august)

the south park version is online here and is really really great. it's making me rethink the expectedness of it. the 9/11 stuff really cracked me up because it was so left-field but in equally bad taste

[Jason Roth]

Originally Posted by b.miller

i have till the 26th (of august)

the south park version is online here and is really really great. it's making me rethink the expectedness of it. the 9/11 stuff really cracked me up because it was so left-field but in equally bad taste

Nothing is off limits, as evidenced in the movie by Andy Dick referencing Hitler in crotchless panties.

[dubman]

i dont know whether to just wait until i can wrap my head around something so senselessly vile or just wait for a comedian who'll actually make this funny or just ignore it.

it sounds like a meeting of the worst internet perverts imaginable so far.